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LEVIATHAN WORLDWIDE EMPLOYEE MERCH
You’ve been looking for a way to say screw Mom and Pop. Giant companies are where it’s at!
Get yourself some Leviathan Worldwide Merch!
SPOTLIGHT
C-Suite
Raymond rose to the C-Suite on the back of his passion for the division that makes Thermonuclear Drones Toys For Pediatric Cancer. Raymond began his career as a 12-year-old boy who wished a Zoltar fortune telling machine would make him “Big”. A child in an adult’s body, he was hospitalized on a 5150 and eventually declared on the spectrum and sent to a special home. Growing into his body, in 2002 he spearheaded a merger that transformed Leviathan Worldwide into a Fortune 500 leader, convincing the board by inviting them to his one-man show “Mergers and Mistakes in a Minnesota Bathroom.” Raymond is a Special Advisor to over a dozen philanthropic organizations and has his picture up at Fuddruckers for eating the XXXL Fuddburger. He was widely criticized for doing this while on a Zoom about African famine relief. A passionate Sinophile, Raymond has performed as the head of the dragon puppet at the Chinese Lantern Festival without asking for anyone’s permission.
Raymond Merriweather
Chief Executive Officer
A champion of sustainable energy, Kimberly testified before Congress about the bright future of having prisoners run on giant hamster wheels. Employees often describe her leadership as driven, tenacious, and by turns, snarling and terrifying. Lecturing at MIT, she described herself as having a major in “Boss Bitch” with a Minor in “White Girl Summer”. Fun fact, Kimberly was married to all four members of ABBA but admits to never having liked their music. She actively supports initiatives that educate aging Swedish pop stars in STEM. She is often mistaken for the orange Mon-Star from Space Jam.
Kimberly Langford
Chief Strategy Officer
Mr. Rickman faked his death in 2016 to go under-cover as a corporate spy on behalf of Leviathan. His current whereabouts are estimated to be somewhere around the Baltic Sea. A trained method actor, Mr. Rickman spent the last fifty years moonlighting as a trained method actor to throw people off the scent from his greatest role: corporate saboteur. Although some would argue this may indeed have been “Elliot” from Quigley Goes Under. Mr. Rickman and Rihanna have never been seen in the same room prompting others to suspect that his greatest role has yet to be revealed. In his free time, Mr. Rickman enjoys watching commercials where phone companies say “you can count on us” under footage of firefighters using walkie-talkies because there’s no phone service.
Alan Rickman
Chief Business Officer
HAPPENINGS!
Investor Relations Are Softball Champs!
Congratulations to the Investor Relations department for their dramatic 7-6 win over their dreaded rival Payroll to be crowned Inter-division Softball Champions. The score was knotted 6-6 going into the bottom of the ninth when Jasmine Wilkinson from IR hit Cass Roberts with a pitch. Even though it was a soft underhand toss, Cass charged the mound, swinging her bat at Jsamine’s head, making solid contact on more than one occasion. Benches emptied and the brawl was on, with everything from water jugs to the dugout benches being used as weapons. Fans came pouring onto the field to join the violent melee, which police estimated somehow included more than a thousand people at one point. Blood and hair littered the diamond, and ambulances eventually line up as far as the eye could see. Hours later, play resumed with three remaining players on the IR side and two on Payroll.
Hawaiian Shirt Fridays Are Back!
After a hiatus of almost two years, Hawaiian Shirt Fridays will be starting again next month. Between free coconut water in the breakroom and the festive island wear, Fridays will once again seem more like a tropical vacation than a workday! Please remember a few guidelines so we don’t have a repeat of some unfortunate occurrences from two years ago. Shirts featuring comely island women are fine. Island women in sexual poses doing shameful things with groups of sailors and tiki idols are not allowed this time. Particularly offensive was one female employee’s shirt that advertised that she was “Moister Than An Oyster.” Another gentlemen sported a BBQ-themed shirt proclaiming “I Rub My Meat Before I Stick It In.” While we at Leviathan Worldwide appreciate humor as much as the next multi-national, it’s no longer allowed. The sole exception is anything from Nate Bargatze.
Bake Sale Raises Thousands For Foster Kids!
A huge “Thank You!” to everyone who brought delicious homemade yummies to the annual “Treats For Unwanted Tots” fundraiser last Saturday. Organizer Marge Scarpelli was proud to hand over a check for $3,200 to the worthy organization, along with a big apology for whoever melted the marijuana gummies into their baked goods. Several people, including some of the foster kids, were hospitalized after what onlookers described as “a mass freakout.” Tortured wails and screams of “I’m dying!” drowned out the music of local jazz quartet, the BeBop Bunch. One imbiber of the offensive muffins ran through the plate glass window of the Buick dealership across the street, while another tried to ride a baby goat from the petting zoo, killing it almost instantly.
Mark Your Calendar!
10/2 - October is donate your liver month. Medical personal will be on site on the 2nd to take your liver. Be a hero! Some hard-drinking mother or brother needs another chance!
10/6 - Adopt an exotic pet! People move or have kids, and a Gila Monster or small jungle cat needs a home. Maybe a large anaconda is what’s been missing in your life. You’ll be saying “Who addopted who?”
10/14 - Kevin Spacey explains himself. Everybody’s Usual Suspect will be on hand to discuss his bathroom antics - many of which were simple misunderstandings. Hear for yourself how his House of Cards fell apart.
10/22 - Join us at Karoake Night at the Mackeral Bucket restaurant after work. Come judge people who think they’re talented, but are really just drunk. No rap music about bitches and such.
UPCOMING EVENTS
UPCOMING EVENTS
October 15 - Organ Drive
October is donate your liver month. Medical personal will be on site on the 2nd to take your liver. Be a hero! Some hard-drinking mother or brother needs another chance!
October 25 - Exotic Pet Adoption
Adopt an exotic pet! People move or have kids, and a Gila Monster or small jungle cat needs a home. Maybe a large anaconda is what’s been missing in your life. You’ll be saying “Who addopted who?”
November 2 - Kevin Spacey Here!
Kevin Spacey explains himself. Everybody’s Usual Suspect will be on hand to discuss his bathroom antics - many of which were simple misunderstandings. Hear for yourself how his House of Cards fell apart.
November 11 - Karaoke Night
Join us at Karoake Night at the Mackeral Bucket restaurant after work. Come judge people who think they’re talented, but are really just drunk. No rap music about bitches and such. And no Sabrina Carpenter songs in your underwear.
Heard Around The Watercooler
At Leviathan Worldwide, we stand firmly behind our products, ensuring every innovation reflects our commitment to quality and trust. Here are some first-person testimonials we believe the history’s thought-leaders would have said about Leviathan if they were with us today.
“Although the bars of my prison were technically made by a Leviathan Worldwide subsidiary, I know they were thinking about the long game; about the hope my story would give the world.”
Nelson Mandela
“If I could hear one thing in this world, I would choose it be the sweet, sweet hum of a Leviathan Worldwide assembly line; the jubilant voices of attendant factory workers who are certainly not enslaved children.”
Ludwig van Beethoven
“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance. Real ignorance is blaming Leviathan Worldwide for poisoning the closest water supply to their chemical plant.”
Confucious
“I was wrong about literally everything. Huge companies are the bomb! I can’t stop buying goods and services from Leviathan Worldwide. Their spoiler really suped up my Dodge Charger.”
Karl Marx
“Human evolution has taken us from amoebas swimming in the oceans to beings capable of browsing Leviathan’s very evolved Home Shopping Channel.”
Charles Darwin
“I hereby bless Leviathan Worldwide with abundance and give them dominion over the Department of Justice’s antitrust division.”
Jesus Christ of Nazareth
Leviathan Worldwide is a fictional company created for comedic and entertainment purposes.
This website, its products, descriptions, and any corporate-sounding language are works of satire and parody. Leviathan Worldwide is not a real corporation, does not provide any actual corporate services, and should not be interpreted as offering legal, financial, employment, or HR-related guidance.
All merchandise sold here is fan-oriented, humorous, and intended solely for entertainment.
Any resemblance to actual companies, institutions, or corporate policies is coincidental and satirical.
